Reflection.

It's interesting how the brain works. There are little conclusions you come to over time, then suddenly they all come together in a way that makes perfect sense.

Yesterday I had the occasion to be very, very angry. I had nothing to do but cool my heels and wait. And while I waited there was nothing to do but think, so think I did.

But before I tell you that story, I need to tell you this one... My weight is up a bunch again. All headway made during the very expensive weight management program has dwindled. All subsequent attempts have peetered out rather rapidly. The doctor gave me a hard look at the blood pressure checkup after I said I know I need to lose weight. He offered a dietician, I allowed as how I've been there done that and the only good effect for me is when I start out and it's intense and interesting. And he said weight loss isn't like that it's day to day and it's boring and you just have to do it. And I thought, that's not good enough.

The WM program taught me that I have a dandy fine metabolism. Mine was the fastest they'd ever measured and that was post thyroid killing. So I know I don't have that excuse. I can lose weight.

At WM we also talked about how we can lose the weight if we make it more important than the reasons that we eat. And I've always wondered why I have not been able to do that. Why is something I have professed to want badly something I'm never willing to drop the chocolate bar to do?

I also think I mentioned this here in the past that I think I may have gained weight to add substance to me. When I feel insignificant or invisible I eat. It doesn't work, I know, because the further from "normal" you get the more you become either invisible or a freak.

Now add to the psychic mix some of my dear LA's current struggles. I've been watching her rediscover her power as she sheds the image her husband has put on her.

So last night I'm fuming. And when I'm peeved my brain goes to weight loss. But it was an angry roiling brain but it stewed it all up right nice. It struck me that it all inter-relates. The need for substance. The inability to find the desire to make taking care of myself as a priority. The Hawthorne Effect successes when my latest effort is new and exciting and I'm in the middle of it. And finally the mental image of LA shedding the reflection that was not really her.

It struck me. If my relationships are a mirror, what is my reflection like? My husband reflects nothing back to me. No feedback. No compliments. No curses. Nothing. And my work has some small chores, some minor crises and lots of nothing. Nothing at all. Hours in my cube doing nothing of value. Coming out late in the day and having people say "oh, I didn't know you were in today". The two main places I should be getting feedback on me have been giving me nothing. And somewhere along the line I've started acting like nothing.

Guess now it's time to do something about that.