The Wall.

Tomorrow is WM group and quite frankly I'm more excited about getting home to watch Survivor. The group is falling apart. Of the eight original members 2 didn't come along to the step 2 program (no suprise). Two folks have been to maybe 2 sessions in the last 8 weeks. Of the 4 others 2 haven't actually been paying for their program and are reasonably certain that - since last week money was mentioned - they will need to drop out for lack of funds. That will leave 2 regular attendees and 2 sometimes attendees. I guess that's why they merged us with the group that came after us. That consists of 4 more people that I don't have a feel for yet. No one jumped out at me as an appealing companion.

That's WM issue 1. Issue 2 is more of a crisis of purpose than anything else. I've been stressed this month. Very stressed. I've reacted by falling back into every bad eating pattern that I have ever exhibited. I've been thinking about it the last couple of days, though. The WM program is based on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy - basically think before you eat. The problem I've run into is that when I am "being bad" I have no desire to think before I eat. I just eat, thinking is too much work. The problem is that it is a counter productive behavior and one can not achieve their goals if they don't apply themselves.

And I seem to have very little desire to apply myself. I've been thinking about that aspect in particular. What do I hope to achieve other than the nebulous "lose weight"? Apparently just wanting to lose weight isn't enough. Now that I've had all this body image therapy I've had to divorce weight loss from non-weight related goals. So I've been wondering what I expect to change if I lose weight. I've realized my life won't change. My husband won't suddenly be less clueless and more appealing. I won't start planning wonderful outings with him or fabulous family activities. My weight isn't preventing those things - our personalities and lifestyle are. I won't have more money or more friends. All I'll be is thinner and, one would hope, more energetic.

So play the health card. But I'm not having any medical issues. Plus the current research says fit is more important than thin and while I've got a ways to go to call myself fit, I think I'm doing better in that regard than ever before. Working out is the one part of the program I have no intention of abandoning.

So I've hit the weight loss wall. It's time to put up or shut up. I need to find that inspiration to keep going, or stop spending so much money not to try. Guess that's tomorrow's topic for the shrink.