Regrets

Today my brain is stuck on regrets. I'm not sure where it started, but I seem to have a heck of a lot of regrets kicking around in my head. I can list 20 or 30 with out even trying. Big things and little. Major decisions and little things I let slide every day. It seems my life is built on regrets, but I just keep making the same bad decisions over and over.

I really regret not picking up the phone on Saturday night. I guess I just believed that something else had gone awry. In the end being passive is what ruined my plans even if I want to blame the clueless wonder. Now I'm sitting here and I wonder when it is that my life stopped being one of infinite possiblities and started to become one of infinite potential problems.

I can't seem to move forward lately for all the problems I see. No wonder the feast stressed me out. Every where I look, every action seems to be full of pitfalls. Everywhere I turn there's the potential for mistakes. I can't seem to bear the thought of messing up. I can't fathom the responsibility of doing things with others, the thought that they might have a bad time or I might is a crushing weight. I end up doing little or nothing and then still find myself dissatisfied and depressed.

Plus I'm having trouble planning things because something else might come up. When I do plan something it seems like it either A) doesn't happen or B) I get a better offer but I'm already committed. Otherwise I spend what seems like endless bits of time afraid to start anything I don't think I'll have time to finish.

It's spilling into everything. There are two or three fairly expensive things I'd like to do at my house. I have been putting them off for as long as we've been there (over 3 years now). I tell myself I don't have enough money for them (though I could pay for 2 outright and half of a third from cash on hand). Then I worry that if I spend the money something will happen and I'll need it and not have it. Paralysis through analysis.

I just noticed that on my keyboard some of the keys are very shiny and others very dirty. Backspace seems to be the shiniest of all.