The party from hell and a grim future, camels not included.

My brain is a mixed up mess of stuff today. Saturday is a pool party at the bossman's house. I don't particualarly want to drive an hour and 1/2 to hang out with the people from my job. However, when the bossman stops by the office to say "you ARE coming aren't you", somehow "no thanks" sounds like it will make work even more unpleasant than it is. The bossman is a weekend alcoholic, so it should be really special. He and princess called me from the liquor store just now to find out what type of wine I wanted. Little do they know that if it's me and munchie and a pool, I ain't drinking a drop. Can't risk losing my reaction time. Besides the fact that I have an hour and 1/2 drive home!

Bossman has also informed us that our lives will become much more complicated next year as we become a profit center charging for our services. He's really excited about it. I think that only proves how little he knows about what goes on here all day. The people who are constantly busy are the ones who will be on overhead. Gah.

Things here will definitely be getting interesting and it will certainly be in the Chinese sense. He's also expanding our office space and our personel. Should be interesting. I don't even think bossman knows what sort of personel to hire - but garsh darn it if the big man says we can have more, we'll get more. As for the square footage, I guess they aren't charging units by the amount of space otherwise he'd probably be rethinking this expansion.

Best moment of the meeting was when he was talking about the new space. Last time we discussed that Nancy - who was layed off, asked for an office (she had a desk at the back of the training room). So the bossman was mentioning new office space and said something about web guy getting a different office (his is interior and shared with servers) and he said "well I wasn't going to ask, considering what happened to the last person who wanted an office".

I also had a bit of an epiphany yesterday. A number of things contributed.

First there was this Lara Flynn Boyle article where she was saying she eats quite well, thank you but with her job she's always on her feet and she just burns it all off. It has long been established that part of my weight problem is that the most I move around during the day is to get a drink from the fridge or a snack from the store.

Then I looked down mid day and noticed that my box of crunchies was nearly empty. That would be the box of crunchies that was supposed to be my snack food FOR THE WEEK. Uhm and yesterday was Tuesday. That's about 1000 calories completely and unconsciously eaten - geeze no wonder I'm vast.

While thinking about that, I realized that the couple of times I've been real successful losing weight it was when I had a job where I was busy but on a reasonable time schedule and when I felt like I was valued for my work.

New York on the Chesapeake is therefore the reason I am not losing weight. I'm bored and inactive. I am not self motivated enough to find things to do. My self esteem sucks when I feel like I'm not valued - here I'm pretty much ignored which is the same thing. So even when I get grand ideas and embark on another attempt I fall flat after a couple weeks and 10 pounds or less (which is not even 1/10th of what needs to be lost).

So there it is. Now I have to figure out what to do with the information. First off changing careers would be nice, but I can't think of anything that I have the skills for that would pay me as well as I am currently paid. And quite frankly I've pretty well painted myself into a monetary corner when it comes to my salary. I need what I'm making because we've traded up on the living expenses. I could just try to find another job in my field, but the economy kind of stinks right now. It's also harder to be confident and sell myself when I weigh more than 2 average sized persons. Doesn't look like the lottery is coming through for me either.

So I have to self motivate - which I suck at. And I have to abandon my main comfort and distraction - which is food. I need a plan. Maybe I need a shrink. I need chocolate.

TTFN.