Feasting and Reflecting.

The feast is done, over, fini. Everyone says the event was splendid, frankly I never even left the kitchen (not that I couldn't have, we were in control for most all of the day). Folks have said the feast was good, so I know that I didn't spoil the event. I didn't embarass myself or anything. And I can say with reasonable confidence that I didn't detract from the event. In all it came out good. I hope everyone enjoyed it, I think it will be my last.

At the event I was saying first that I was "too old for this". I then realized that far older folks do great feasts so I switched to "too old and broken for this". I was thinking later about one of my helpers and realized she's much more broken than I am and happily does feasts. So I sat and thought about it. I'm not too old or even too broken, I'm too high strung. I didn't sleep well for the last couple weeks and I was totally stressed out for the whole day. When it was all over my left thumb completely locked closed. Three times. I could feel the tendons all the way up my arm when it did. I'm right handed, so after some consideration I've come to the conclusion that it was from stress.

I thought a lot about the feasts. I've done a bunch of them. The last couple or three I've sworn it would be my last. This time I realized. I really just don't enjoy being the head cook. I generally have said I'll do one based on my personal connection to the person asking. I've only turned down people I like when there have been major conflicts (like the boy's birthday). The last couple years I've said no several times but always to the same person asking - someone that I don't generally feel the need to please. This time I said yes to please someone who didn't deserve it and who in the end wasn't involved really at all. Funny thing that.

The folks I'm accomodating have never realized the emotional baggage attached to the act of "volunteering" - heck I only just realized it myself. I'm sure they've all thought they were asking me to do something I like to do, but really I don't like it all that well. So that realization is kind of freeing. I've thought hard on it. I like helping in the kitchen but I hate being in charge. I fully enjoy building subtleties and I don't even mind creating a dish or two. I just can't deal with the stress anymore. In the future I'll help my friends, I might even sign up for clean up crew, but no more feasts.

I realized that my very happiest times at events are when I have a spot under a pavillion with an array of munchables to taste, a tourney to watch and friends with whom I can socialize. I can even think fondly back to the days when the Tarts hawked pies at various events very fondly. I got pulled away from that early with music groups, feasts and business. I think that I very much would like to be at an event or two with the things I like to see if I can get my taste for it back again.

I also have to say - what the heck happened to Lochmere? I thought it was just me, but when I finally stayed over night to socialize at an event, everyone else had gone home. I hate to sound like a fogey, but I can remember when even if we had to be out of the hall at 10 we'd go to a post revel until the wee hours. Have we all gotten too old? Does no one host post revels any more?