Walls do not a prison make...

So what to say. What to think.

There are days when my home and family are the refuge I run to and other days I really feel the walls of my life closing in. This house is like the field of poppies in Wizard of Oz. I come in and fall asleep. But when by some strange chance somethings awakens me, the pain of being here tears at me.

Maybe I should have left better off alone, but seeing LOR really woke the part of me that dreams. I'm remembering now the dreams of my youth and wondering why I left them behind. Instead of working to free myself to pursue them my choices have tethered me even closer to the dreamless life I lead right now.

It only took a week, busy at work and with munchie to re-read LOR. I may even go through it again it's such a grand epic. Or perhaps I'll find another epic to feed my need.

It won't help of course, I can't see a clear way to change the course of my life. But I'm haunted by a line in the movie & book about how it's all in how you choose to spend the time you have here (ok I could have looked up the quote, but the book's not here right now). I don't want to choose this, but I have already chosen it. If I try some grand change there will be pain for others, if I stay only pain for me.

When I was young (11 or 12) I dreamed of hiking the appalachian trail. My family humored me, but I guess they didn't take me seriously. How sad that they were right. When I was 21 I dreamed of driving down the coastal cities one summer and dawdling my way to the gulf of mexico. I just couldn't figure out how I'd pay for it. Of course by the time money was less of a problem, I'd tied myself firmly to the path of suburbia.

I swear I don't think I've taken a single chance in my life and the weight of that is heavy today. I've asked myself what is it I need to do so that when I am near to dying I can say I've had a good life. I don't know the answer yet, but the question looms very large.