Brain Dump

My head is swimming. I've got a major pounder despite several advil an hour or so ago. I don't think it's a physical issue, it's mental. I feel the need to brain dump.

I dragged my sorry butt back to weight watchers last night. Up 3 pounds over the holidays, which, considering the astonishing number of cookies consumed, is not that bad I suppose. The meeting topic last night was motivation. One of the items involved how things tend to be more "real" if you put them in writing. Today I am going to apply it to my life in general. I am going to write out all this emotional garbage so that I can put it to rest.

I seriously doubt any of this will be witty or insightful, probably long, tedious and pretty darn narcissistic instead.

You've been warned!

Yesterday I was contemplating an entry and was thinking about things that describe me good and bad. I was thinking of the story of Cassandra who was granted the gift of prophesy and the curse that no one believed her. For all the good there are things that are bad.

I humor myself that I am reasonably intelligent. I also humor myself that others would agree with that assessment. I know however that while I may be smarter than the average, I can not hope to compare to the intelligence of many of my friends. I got to thinking about that and realized that my plus here is that I learn fairly easily. The downside is that I have a terrible memory. I've read many of the great books, I don't remember shit about them. Same for a lot of history, all of math and several other topics. Sigh.

I'm slow to change and prone to inertia. I need my routine as much as the munchkin does. I detest surprises, I go all "deer-in-the-headlights" for a while before I can think of what I should/need to do. However being a routine oriented person, means I'm a great 'operations' type person. I'm not horribly bored by repetition. At work that means I don't mind coming in everyday and systematically checking all the things on my systems that need checking. It's a comfortable thing for me.

I also have to admit that I seriously crave attention and recognition. Not easily attainable when you're not particularly clever and not a risk taker. Doing the routine stuff at work never gets you noticed, unless you leave. And there aren't that many great opportunities at home.

Thinking about where that comes from all goes right back to the past. I never really had much attention growing up as the last of 6. Being "the baby" sounds like it has perks but there's bunches of drawbacks. My parents were in their 40's when I was born and I think they were just tired. I also have a sister 2 years older than me - everything was tempered by her. It's the old she got to wear pink, I got blue so that we could tell our stuff appart. She got the Barbie, I got her best friend Midge. She broke her arm and got taken to Hershey park to make her feel better, me nada. Don't even get me started on Birthdays (which have been mentioned by some of my fave reads) - When I was six my birthday money was spent on a new bike for my sister, so that I could have her old one. My 16th birthday was spent at my sister's college for a football game watching her march in the band. My beautiful cake was shared by the girls in her dorm. When sis & I did band things together my parents attended everything, when it was just me they came occasionally. I always wondered why I wasn't worth the effort. Often I still do, there must be someting I need to change I guess I just need to figure out what it is.

So that's the train of thought that lead to me thinking about Twelfth Night - particularly how lovely the peerage ceremonies were. How much effort people put into them. I know Gwen truely deserved that - I think she is an incredibly delightful person. I didn't know the gentleman, but he inspired such wonderful words that I can't help but think he must be equally wonderful. I wish I was wonderful enough to inspire people to care that much about me. Have someone care enough to make it what I would like. I thought of that, when Caitlyn was "put on notice". They made it possible for her to have a peerage ceremony to cherish. That's so nice. Frankly I don't remember all that much of my own peerage. I was extremely ill and there only because I was lured by what I thought was a necessary discussion of the bookkeeping problems I had been working on. When the discussion wasn't deep and people started acting weird I could tell something was up, and I probably should have just gone home. I was dressed pretty haphazardly that day. I can't even tell you who spoke for me (except Keilyn), I honest to goodness don't remember. I don't know what was said, I don't know who was there. I don't have a scroll, even now. I went home immediately afterward, determined I had 104 fever and went straight to bed. No wait, I didn't get to go straight to bed, I had to watch the 2 year old munchkin because my DH wanted to use my car and go get wood for his train tables. I don't think he noticed I was sick. But then he's never noticed or cared.

That lead me to a long train of thought about my current approach/avoidance feelings about the SCA. I had a nice time at the event. There's another this weekend in my home group, I was given several good reasons to attend. Even DH thought I should go. All I would have had to do was contact the reservationist since it was too late to send a check. Or I could even have gone to the Barony meeting on Monday 10 minutes from my house, all I had to do was make a phone call to get the exact apartment number. I was home and not busy I could have done it easily. I never did it.

So I started thinking about why, and yes there are some chores that need doing, and yes munchie needs attention, but I know those aren't the real reason. I really was asking myself why. So I started thinking about why I let myself drift away from the SCA. I really enjoy the company of so many people in the SCA. I love events, I love cooking, damn it I even love doing the paperwork that everyone hates. So why am I so ambivalent about it now?

When I started in the SCA the Barony was new. We were all pretty close. Then I was in a household and we did things together and planned things and made things. I really enjoyed belonging. Then I was baroness and there was work to do. Things to coordinate, feelings to soothe (not my strong point, mind you). But the household was changed by the change in location and the breakdown of some interpersonal fu. Then there was munchkin and by necessity the ties slipped a bit (babies work in the SCA if it's not a mixed marriage, but it's hard when you're on your own). Then there was the Exchequer office. Which saved my sanity and gave me purpose when I needed it badly. But as that came to a close things slipped again.

The way I feel about how I received my peerage was one nudge. A really frustrating bit of agony over selecting my successor was another. Then finally there was a tiff on the local email list that lead to me going to a meeting and having a young lady I barely know refer to me with "oh, thats the bitch" to a person who gets on my nerves on a good day (and with whom I disagreed in the email). And that was the nail in the coffin - I no longer wanted to be around those folks. So being a 'put your money where your mouth is' kind of person I stopped going. End of story.

Now I have none of the involvement I had. Some lovely acquaintences, but no longer a group of people with whom I feel completely at home. And no idea how to rebuild those things or even if I should try. Will the returns be worth the effort. I once said I needed a task to enjoy the SCA, and that would certainly satisfy the first part and draw me closer, but I'm just not sure if I want that work without the feeling of belonging that I'm really looking for.

And in all that thinking , I think I may have figured out why the "person I really admire who won't give me the time of day" doesn't like me - I insulted her group in that stupid email exchange, and indirectly therefore the leader of the group who at that time was her husband. And if I still get peeved when I see the young lady who called me a bitch, it's not at all a stretch for her to still be peeved at me. Because I was told that I really upset someone in that exchange, but no one ever told me who. So if she happens to recognize herself here: I was wrong in the email exchange. The words were not only ill chosen, I got mean to spite the person with whom I was disagreeing. It was far easier to attack the group and to make her look wrong than to deal with my real issues which are entirely with her.

Amazingly my headache has abated. Confession is indeed good for the soul.