I yam what I yam.

Been pondering on several things. Particularly that some of my mellowness punctuated by husband grumps has been taken as being down. That and those age old questions who am I, where am I going and what am I doing here. So it's philosophical time at Chez Bean.

Suprisingly this week's Weight Watchers class really got me thinking. It was about ingrained habits and the leader's example involved being with her father and eating out. I missed some of it but while she wasn't blaming her father for her overeating, she recognized it's roots in their special outings which were orgies of food.

So I've been trying to integrate this lesson into my life and I've been thinking that some of my interior discontent with what is a very nice life is probably rooted in my upbringing. I am basically living my parents idea of one's goal in life. I'm not sure if it is my goal too, but I've achieved it.

The back story is this. My parents were in their 40's when I was born. They were children of the depression. They believed in hard work and getting ahead. They were very proud of the fact that they were able not only to support their 6 kids, but later in life they were able to do one big thing for each of us (except 1 brother, but that's a different story). They sent my oldest brother to seminary, they bought my oldest sisters first house, they paid for a couple divorces for sister 2 and supported her and her kids when she went back to school, and they sent sister 3 and I to college.

We were raised solidly middle class. We didn't get everything we wanted, but we never struggled. So different from the folks upbringings where they did struggle. My dad remembered plucking chickens for money as a kid. The descriptions were horrific. They both remembered the depression and 1 meal a day. For them a house in the burbs with 2 cars and kids in college was the ultimate. For me it is normal.

So here I have the house in the burbs, setting aside money for munchies college, saving for retirement. I believe my own salary has exceeded my family's income at a similar age (and that doesn't include DH's salary). It's a nice life, but inside there's still a bit of, not discontent, but longing. I have achieved my parents dreams. I'm just not so sure they were my dreams too.

I am not, by nature, a dreamer. I am practical. I don't have the vision, but I can get it done. I've never had a 5 year plan. I don't make new year's resolutions. I play my cards as they're dealt, I suck at strategy.

So here I am without vision trying to build a good life. It makes sense that I use the ingrained pattern because I have thought up no alternatives. And like used shoes, other people's dreams never quite fit right.

So how does one dream? What should I be striving for now? I feel like the girl who could have anything in the world she wanted, but could think of nothing to ask for.

Ah, well off to help DH flip his new train table over.

TTFN.