Ramblings of a tired deb.

I am mad at the satelite tv. I thought we had nearly every frickin channel on the planet and I find that although we have 3 different views of a particular channel, we do not have the one showing the movie I really want to see. The movie I intended to watch last night until I discovered it wasn't one of my choices. Yes, I made a different choice (and really liked it) but darn it with hundreds of channels you'd think I could get the one that I want. I think this is got to be a Murphys law corollary.

I have a love/hate thing with the tv. On one hand I recognize that it can be an incredible waste of time. An energy and intelligence sucker at it's worst. On the other hand, munchkin has made me understand that sometimes you need the background noise. Plus there are some shows I just love. Stuff I can't help but watch. Sadly a lot of this is kids cartoons. I love the Japanese Animation stuff. I like that they have plot lines and story arcs. I love that they have clear heros and villians. And I really like a strong hero.

Yesterday the boy was sent home sick from school. He's home with DH for the day. I would imagine that the TV's are getting a mighty workout at my house today.

I have very little to do today at work. The perc I get from doing my job correctly is that there is generally not much to do. I think this constant cycle of down time is playing havoc with my feelings of worth and usefulness (even if the boss kissed my head when I got the system mainframe-proof last week).

Several good points were made in the guestbook regarding my quest for significance. While I take them and turn them over on the barbeque of my mind, I feel like I should clarify a bit. I know I will most likely never do something of significance to the rest of the world. But I need a personal feeling of significance. And raising my child even if I do a good job won't do that for me. He is my responsibility, and I will fill him with the best I can offer, but ultimately he is his own work of art.

It's the canvas of me that concerns me. I think of all the grand plans I've tossed away over the years. The imagination wasted. The high ambitions that came to nothing. I've settled into a new version of my parent's life. It's a very good life in many ways but it's feeling pretty bland. I think there are more colors in my personal paintbox than I've been using. It's just a question of where to put them on the work in progress without mucking up anyone elses life work.

Here's my favorite quote du jour. Give her a read sometime.

Some things aren't true until you say them. Others are true even if you don't. No matter what you say instead.

- stonebridge