Significance.

I had most of an entry written in an editor at work. Then came the phone call. It wasn't completely unexpected, he had been dragging yesterday evening. Munchkin was in the nurse's office and needed to come home. So I closed it all down. Rushed the one thing I NEEDED to do at work, and hit the road back to suburbia.

My funk from the weekend is mostly lifted. Now I have to sift through it all to get at the meat of what was bugging me.

I could be just genetics. Through some faulty familial wiring I'm prone to depression. We have a nice variety of brain chemical issues in my family. All are probably courtesy of the paternal grandfather who died in St. E's (that would be the mental hospital).

Thinking about it, though, it's probably also a bit more complicated. I've been doing the geek fan thing and surfing the net for info on a favorite celebrity. The things I found were quite astounding. I managed to select quite an intellectual, artistic, principled person to - uhm - research. And it makes me feel very very small. Insignificant.

I haven't done anything more artistic than paint the back hallway in over a year. I haven't played music in even longer. I stand for nothing and support nothing. Half the time I don't even have an opinion and the other half I just keep my mouth shut.

For as long as I can remember I've never had goals. The one thing that I wanted was significance. To do something that would leave my mark on the planet (hopefully in a good way). By reasonable measure I'm more than halfway through my life and I have nothing to show for it.

I know I have munchkin, and I'd call raising him an accomplishment if thought I was doing a good job. The things I support with time or money are always small - small money, small bits of time. Maybe they make a difference but only as a part of the larger picture. I have done things and I have accumulated things. I realize that what I've done will become obsolete and what I have is just so much stuff.

I'm not sure what I can do to change it, but I'm thinking about it.