Navel Gazing

Yesterday I woke up with enough pains to catalog. I decided that perhaps even a grown up can take a time out for female reasons. So that's exactly what I did. I came home from the gym told the boys I was staying home, took a shower and went back to bed.

From there the day was a heck of a lot of nothing. I felt much better for the extra sleep and probably could have done something but I couldn't figure out anything to do. So I surfed the internet a bit, watched some tv, read a bit, played my piano a litttle and then went back to bed for the afternoon.

It's a long standing problem for me. Unless I've planned some major activity (after some previous agonizing) I can never figure out what to do with myself. I've whined about it before and I'll probably whine about it again. I have every confidence that I could be or do anything I want if I could just fricken figure out what the heck I want.

Yesterday as I dabbled a bit in one of the 4 or 5 books I'm in the middle of (not my usual habit) I hit upon something that had a bit of resonance. The book is about fixing a sucky life and this section was about people who get so used to denying their own wants and needs that they can't even express them anymore. That set the light bulb going. I don't think that anyone else in my life prevents me from doing/having what I want but I do know I worry terribly about how my choices affect others.

Some where along the line I think I've become restrained by a fear that my wants will infringe on someone else's wants or needs. Hell I hardly even call people on the phone because I worry the time is wrong and I might bother them. When I tried using IM I inadvertantly freaked someone out and I've never used it since. I never do anything spontaneous after work because that will upset the household routine. I think I may even cling to hard to that routine because there at least I have specific things planned out. This theory would also explain why I get so torqued when anyone else messes up the routine. If I'm keeping it sacred why isn't anyone else?

It feels like a valid theory. Now I just have to figure out what to do with it. Guess I should finish that book.