I'm a Whiney Baby.

They say confession is good for the soul. I don't know about that but I do know that once I commit the crap that's bothering me to this page it's a lot easier to let it go. So here's my confession - I'm feeling like a jealous little whiney baby. I want to say i don't like you, pack my toys up and go home.

I keep trying to rationalize it all. My ego and superego are working overtime but the id is seriously pissed. I have no less today than I had yesterday. I didn't get something that I really could not have expected. So why am I so bent about it?

The idiots in charge at work took something that should have been a good thing (retention bonuses) and turned them into some sort of beauty pagent. They've tapped into the primal part of the psyche where you wonder if mom loves your brothers and sisters more than she loves you. The email announcement about the retention bonuses said that non-customer facing (ie the ones losing their jobs) employees considered essential will have meetings with managers to discuss retention bonuses. That leaves everyone speculating. Am I essential or not? If I'm not then why can't they seem to do without me? In the end I'm left questioning my worth.

Every vacation where I sat on the phone walking someone through a problem now seems really stupid. Universal Studios, the Jersey shore, Vegas, I've called from all of them. If I'm not essential why haven't I even been able to be a chaperone on a school field trip without getting calls from work? Why the hell did I bother? I've spent years trying to be useful and helpful but in the end the response seems to be a rousing and hearty "whatever". Except for vacations - then they want free reign to call on me.

It really makes me want to take my toys and go. I want to say fine see how well you get along without me. It makes me wish I could just walk away today. Unfortunately financially I can't quit without a new job. This, however, is the tipping point telling me to start looking now. I don't need to put up with this shit until the bitter end. Sixteen weeks of severence sounds all very nice, but right now I'm just not feeling the love.